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Why do Women Like BDSM

hands holding a woman in a white tshirt

For people reading this article and not familiar with BDSM, it stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism, and the purpose of this article is to inform both men and women of white women are particularly interested in dominance play, which includes BDSM.

Women are particularly interested in genres of books related to BDSM, particularly the 50 Shades of Grey novels, which have sold over 150 million copies worldwide. Women are also more likely to read than men; on average, women read 15 books yearly, while men only read nine.

The reason for the female fascination with the 50 Shades of Grey genre and erotic fiction in the form of books over pornography is because the woman’s sex drive is more driven by emotions and building a connection that cannot be built in a porn studio environment.

With books, a romantic setting can be created in which romantic connection and emotion are built throughout a romantic novel; that’s why it’s usually in the middle or toward the end of the book when any sexual activity happens.

Most romantic books have a buildup of tension that is emotional and sexual, and the threat of an overarching enemy that threatens to tear the heroine and the hero from one another goes to crack the passion and excitement that women crave in their romantic fiction.

Four men reading this, a woman derives sexual passion and traction not through visuals but through emotion and mental attraction.

To add credence to this argument, in the literature search and screening process, 60 articles were included. BDSM-related fantasies were found to be common (40–70%) in both males and females, while about 20% reported engaging in BDSM.

Why do Women Like BDSM

Louise Perry

The feminist author and writer Louise Perry argues that the reasons women are strongly attracted to men who are larger than them and have an interest in BDSM are due to historical evolutionary factors that influenced female behaviour for over a millennium.

Louise Perry stated that humans are descendants of apes and that when they engage in sexual activity, it is quite violent. Rape is a common factor in humanity’s historical ancestry.

Mrs Perry follows the argument that BDSM is a holdover of humans and the evolutionary past in regards to sexual activity between both sexes.

Women prefer taller men because human beings are sexily dimorphic species, meaning there are two genders, male and female. On average, males’ upper bodies have 75% more muscle mass and 90% more strength than females.

Also, the ratio of male-to-female average heights across the world. Globally, the ratio is 1.07, meaning that, on average, men are about 7% taller than women. Across the world, this relative difference between the sexes can vary from only 2–3% to over 12%.

What this means for women is that historically immense physical strength and size protected them from other natural predators as well as other males who could potentially kill their babies or commit an act of rape.

Therefore, the male’s size and larger proportion are attractive to women due to the perceived safety that comes from that kind of strength naturally in today’s modern Western world. In a post-industrial economy, physical size and strength do not play a massive part in our daily lives.

This applies to people, particularly those working office jobs or who are part of the laptop class, such as journalists; however, a woman, due to these historically ingrained reasons, still likes to be held by a man larger than them so they can feel safe and protected.

For a woman to be happy in a relationship, he needs to feel safe and protected; this applies to women a thousand years ago, and the same rules apply to today’s contemporary woman.

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Appreciation, Attraction, and Love are not the Same Things.

man and woman doing dance post in concrete road at daytime

Looking for love and romance and finding your soulmate has affected humanity for as long as humanity has tried to find somebody who will accept who you are and love you for your faults just as much as your strength within a relationship.

Unfortunately, we get traction, appreciation, and love confused.

Also, being attracted to a person in a sexual sense or in the sense of admiring a person does not mean you are in love with that person, nor does attraction mean love, which can create confusion between the emotion of love and attraction.

Appreciation, Attraction, and Love are not the Same Things.


As people, either men or women, we seek a connection with those around us.

We want to be seen, we want to be felt, and we want to be listened to, and this is expressed by other people appreciating our qualities and abilities, which makes us feel that we are being seen.

It’s this appreciation of who we are which can be mistaken for loving somebody, even though this aspect is part of what it means to love another person to appreciate who they are and what they do for one another.

In our lives, we all need to know other people appreciate us and acknowledge our existence, which is reciprocated in relationships that let people know they are loved and valued.

Appreciation, Attraction, and Love are not the Same Things.


Being attracted to another person does not just mean loving that person’s physical characteristics; it can also mean loving aspects of that person’s personality and mind, which different people will find highly attractive.

Attraction can also be where we seek something that is missing from ourselves.

This could be a personal or physical quality, such as financial quality, within another person to meet our emotional and material needs.

Sometimes, attraction can come from an element of childhood trauma, which means in our adult lives, we look for the love that was not provided to us or the security not provided in childhood.

The stereotypical example is a young woman in her 20s dating a man in their 40s who is financially well-off and meets the emotional need of provisioning for young women, which takes them out of survival mode and helps them feel love and secure for the first time.

For a man, another stereotypical example is a man who comes from a single-mother household who saw his mother struggle and blames his father for his mother’s struggle within relationships.

He is constantly drawn to the struggling woman who needs a man in their life. The man is competing with his father to be the man of the household and proving to himself he is not like his father, nor is it like other men from his perspective.

The key to understanding attraction is not just about other people but also about yourself trying to meet the emotional and physical needs that can stem from our childhoods.

Appreciation, Attraction, and Love are not the Same Things.


If you are reading this, unless you have had a terrible childhood or been in a coma, you would have experienced love in your life, the love of a parent, the love of the family pet or the love of a first girlfriend/boyfriend.

What we mean by and interpret as romantic love gets confused with appreciation, attraction and lust. All of these can be part of love, but they are not the leading cause of what it means to love and be loved by somebody.

True love requires understanding the person or people you are with to love them, not who you think they are but for who they are.

This is the same kind of love a parent has for their child or a child for their parent.

Any adult with parents understands that when becoming an adult and transitioning from a child to a teenager, a fully-fledged adult will learn to love our parents for who they are, not for who we hope they are.

People are messy and complicated; true love comes into being through mutual understanding of one another.